What Anxiety Really Looks Like

At the age 26 I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder.

I don’t let it define me, and I also don’t let it get in the way of anything I set out to do.

But, I also don’t hide it.

I often share Facebook posts from my friends that are something along the lines of what people in your life don’t understand about your anxiety. I share it because I want others to see it shouldn’t be treated as a stigma, a downfall or a weakness.

My friends would say that for the most part I “have it together.” What they don’t realize is that it’s a result of trying to control everything I possibly can to ensure no surprises. Surprises that could potentially trigger my anxiety. I am beyond blessed to be a very organized individual, however sometimes it hinders me from enjoying the spontaneity that life has to offer. My husband likes to joke that I literally put everything in my planner…

including remembering to breathe.

Heaven forbid I forget to do a load of laundry. The reason I mention these details is because I believe these traits of mine helped me land a job as an administrative assistant. Why is this important? Because this is when I remember my panic attacks starting.

There is not a specific date I remember these debilitating episodes beginning. I only remember being unsure of what was really happening. I was in my office working on one project or another. I recall trying to get ahold of my husband on the phone and couldn’t. So I texted. A long period of time passed, it seemed like eternity. I was internally torturing myself.

What if he had a heart attack and is lying on the living floor?

What if he’s mad at me and just done with our relationship?

The second part of that irrational thinking has always been my favorite when I do inventory of myself. I always thought that if people didn’t return my calls or texts they were mad at me and had decided to write me off. Truth is, they were just busy, and I was completely wrong.

The panic attacks were minuscule compared to those that came later.

I felt so honored that I had been chosen to fill this newly created position. I put extreme pressure on myself when it comes to my job, even to this day. My anxiety, and I didn’t learn this until later, was making me completely doubt myself. Over and over and over.

One of my biggest episodes happened while I was at work.

I remembering sitting in our “board” room with our general manager and our other ops managers. We were having a meeting regarding our future move to another building. I could feel my palms getting sweaty. Then my focus turned to my heart beating and, oh my god, it was going fast. I thought I must be having a heart attack.

Suddenly everyone’s talking faded out, and I surveyed the room on how I could exit without making a scene. My mind then went to, Leighann you’re acting ridiculous, shape up and be professional. Get yourself together. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. I was able to calmly get up and leave the room.

I went to one of the nearby offices and called my mom. I knew my husband was picking up the kids so I didn’t want to bother him. Of course at first I could get ahold of no one and that sent me into another tailspin. When I was able to get my mom on the phone I said, “Get to my house, I need you to take me to the hospital.”

My drive from work was 30 minutes and it was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I was speeding so fast down the highway, at least 80 mph. I couldn’t breathe properly, and I had to pee extremely bad. Even on the occasions of long road trips, the pain I felt from having to go to the bathroom was like nothing I had ever felt. I almost considered just going in my seat, in my pants. In that moment, I cared about nothing because I felt like I was going to die anyways.

I finally made it home after what felt like an eternity. I used the bathroom, and my parents whisked me away to the hospital. I was crying hysterically in the car telling them I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Telling them I was sure everyone around me thought I was crazy.

This was probably my 3rd trip to the ER in the last month. Yet again, they found that nothing physically was wrong; maybe an increased heart rate and blood pressure, but other than that I was fine. I needed them to figure this out! I was so tired of getting these episodes and then I would panic at the thought of having another panic attack.

It was a never-ending cycle.

After many encounters with tingling limbs, numb lips, and heart palpitations, my PCP diagnosed me…

with anxiety disorder.

She advised that perhaps my life was more stressful than I let on. She suggested medication to help aide in my triggers. At first, I wasn’t happy with the thought of medicating myself to become normal again. I didn’t need a drug to fix me. I needed to stop being such a worry-wort, a perfectionist, a stressed out human being. Unfortunately folks, its not that easy.

Once I decided to start a medication regimen, I finally got my life back.

For the longest time, I didn’t tell people what had been going on. How could the girl who had it all together so quickly fall apart?

I mostly have good days, but I do have some bad days. My daily medication keeps me on an even keel for the most part. If I start to dwell on things too much or let my mind wander when it’s time to call it a night, I use my medication that puts that panic to rest.

It makes me laugh how people on the outside have commented just calm down or just breathe. Oh how I wish it were that easy! If that were the case, I wouldn’t be visiting the doctor twice a year and refilling my prescriptions every 90 days would I?

I have always been against relying on a medication for any reason, but in this instance, it saved my life. I saw a quote somewhere, I wish I could find it now. It said something along the lines of:

Perhaps my anxiety is a result of the fact that I feel too much.

For me at least, its true. I’m overly compassionate, I worry about the future, I want everything to go right all of the time, and I hurt when those around me hurt. And you know what?

That’s okay.

If you or someone you know suffers from anxiety or depression, please encourage them to seek help.

About the Author

Musings of life over at Just Becoming Me

Leighann lives in Metro Detroit with her husband and their furry children; 1 cat (Brooklyn), and 2 pigs (Laci and Toni). Leighann craves what the world has to offer and is
striving to find her lif’s purpose. Most recently she has committed to joining her church’s running team, the Ridge Runners, to raise money and awareness about human sex trafficking in the United States. Aside from community service, she enjoys photography, working out, going to concerts, traveling, and much more.

What to do when you feel like your life is in a holding pattern. As part of her self-discovery, Leighann is starting her own blog venture. Her blog is called Life Through a Lens {Reflections of an Imperfect Perfectionist} where she shares her story of daily struggles, aspirations for the future, and everything in between.