Self Doubt can be a Blessing

How can a woman who is seemingly successful in her career and an overall well-rounded person have so much self doubt?

Simple.

Let me start by saying that I wouldn’t change a single thing about my past. Without it, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today. Let me also say that it could have been a lot, lot worse.

My childhood, teens, and parts of my adulthood, coupled with my anxiety disorder, play dirty tricks on the way I think sometimes.

I won’t bore you with the details of my 32 years but simply provide the highlights.

Childhood

• Some nights we slept in winter jackets because my parents couldn’t afford to pay the electric bill.
• Family members often played “Santa” because my parents were unable to get Christmas gifts. (something I found out later)
• In elementary school I had a tight knit group of friends, but slowly I was invited over to play with the girls less and less…not exactly sure why (all I know is, I never had the things my friends had)
• We picked up my life as I knew it when I was 9 and moved from Redford to Plymouth/Canton, somewhere a family already struggling financially can really feel out of place.

Teens

• We moved about 5 times to various apartments in the area due to eviction after eviction. I started to wonder how long we would be at one place before moving onto the next
• This contributed to me feeling like an outcast amongst my friends. In high school, get-togethers amongst my group of friends occurred without me. My friends’ mother told my mom that our family was unstable. Something I don’t think I will ever forget. I should mention I never got in trouble, had great grades, and just wanted to be accepted.
• My mom’s side of the family felt the need to step out of our lives from the time I was 16 until around 24. I never understood why it was so easy for them to just not see me or talk to me or want to know how I was doing. I guess a sense of abandonment still lingers there.
• I never had a boyfriend due to being overweight. There were a few occasions I found interest in a guy and friends would step in and there went that. It wasn’t right, but it is what it is. It’s probably best I wasn’t focused on guys, who knows how that would have turned out.

Adulthood

• After graduating high school and entering college, things looked hopeful, until they didn’t. When I was 18 I had perfect credit and my mom and dad needed a vehicle. We bought one in my name, and I was able to make the payments for them for a couple of years. Then because I was no longer a student, I had to leave my job. The car got repossessed, and my credit took a dive for a very long time.
• I remember while attending Schoolcraft, we got evicted from yet another apartment and we were living in a hotel for about a month. I think that is one memory that I try to block out. We didn’t even have a place to call home. By the grace of God, I was able to continue to do my schoolwork and get my degree. My Aunt allowed us to move in with her for a while.
• Adulthood had its amazing moments but it also brought heartbreak; cheating boyfriends, boyfriends who out of the blue went back to their ex, and emptiness that I could not fill in the ways I was seeking to.
• I would share my triumphs with friends about raises at work (I wasn’t going to live my life like I had been, any more), only to get a response like “You always get raises” insinuating jealously on their part.
• My favorite is something I heard recently, I got a promotion at work due to the color of my skin. I must have things come so easy to me right? I have two college degrees, a great job and a head on my shoulders – all without sacrifice, right?
• I heard recently that an Aunt I haven’t talked to in years had the audacity to say I borrowed money from a family friend when I finally was able to buy my own vehicle. She just couldn’t believe I would ever be able to do it on my own.

I could go on, but ultimately that is not the point of this post. However, I wanted to highlight why I think the way I do about myself sometimes.

Aside from our financial struggles, my parents are truly the best out there. They are not perfect, but who is? They always told/tell me how much they believe in me and how loved I was/am. But, when people are constantly leaving your life, minimizing your accomplishments or always making you the butt of the joke – how can you not question yourself?

This past week at my new position at work I had a lot of self doubt.

Maybe I wasn’t cut out for this new position.

Maybe I am being too hard on the staff.

Maybe I am being too nice.

I was overwhelmed by all the chaos that was going on because I am usually much more organized than this. How am I going to manage over 20 staff when I am used to a team of 3? Just so much spinning and going with the rush of the day that I didn’t have time to think or make a plan. The stress was all over my face and the team let me know it.

That caused more doubt and panic – I can’t let them know that I am worried or stressed! How foolish of me to even let them see it!

Then it hit me…

why do you doubt yourself so much?

Others obviously believe in you or you would have not gotten as far as you have in work or life.

Before I began to mentally abuse myself on the fact that I had so much self doubt stirring around, I stopped. I realized something. Self doubt is not necessarily a bad thing.

Self doubt reminds us that we always have things we need to work on.

For a person that never questions their actions, I have to question their integrity. Although the things I beat myself up for probably have no bearing, it is still a reminder that there are other areas in my life that need resuscitation or reevaluation.

My self doubt reminds me I need to be more strong-willed and believe in myself more.

It reminds me that people are always going to have something to say.

It reminds me that it’s up to me what I do with the words of others.

Self doubt makes us ask questions – about life, people, everything.

Is that a negative thing?

I think the moment we stop asking questions is the moment we stop trying to grow.

Do you struggle with self doubt? Do you think of it as a blessing or a curse?

About the Author

Leighann lives in Metro Detroit with her husband and their furry children; 1 cat (Brooklyn), and 2 pigs (Laci and Toni). Leighann craves what the world has to offer and is
striving to find her lif’s purpose. Most recently she has committed to joining her church’s running team, the Ridge Runners, to raise money and awareness about human sex trafficking in the United States. Aside from community service, she enjoys photography, working out, going to concerts, traveling, and much more.

What to do when you feel like your life is in a holding pattern. As part of her self-discovery, Leighann is starting her own blog venture. Her blog is called Life Through a Lens {Reflections of an Imperfect Perfectionist} where she shares her story of daily struggles, aspirations for the future, and everything in between.